Caring For Your New Thai Child

If you live in Thailand, you will be caring for your Thai child in his or her native country for an indefinite period of time. If you travel to Thailand to pick up your newly adopted son or daughter, then you will most likely only be here in Thailand for ten to fourteen days. Which ever situation you are in, it is a stressful period for most people. It takes a lot of fortitude to focus on the adoption proceedings, to get to know your child, and to begin to win his or her trust.

For children over one, use a hand puppet. The puppet can act out ideas for both of you as well as provide some comic relief. If your child is too large to be carried and held a lot, give your child smiles, pats, and light back massages when he or she is sitting or standing near you. This is an excellent way to give your son or daughter a feeling of closeness.

New children are fearful, but they may cover it up. Since they were rejected once, they may be again, or so they may reason. Boys and girls who begged on the streets and lived in orphanages have learned some survival techniques, some of which will probably stay with them forever. Older children need to believe that you will be there for support when they have problems - when something good happens or something bad happens. Be creative the first few days to start winning their trust. Attachment begins when you acknowledge their feelings and share their experiences. Shared laughter and shared tears are the glue of parent-child relationships.

It is easy to want to treat Third World orphans as First World kids, overwhelming them with toys, furniture, and clothes. However, they have never even had the luxury of making personal choices regarding style and color. And, if they had the leisure to play, they probably made their own toys from stones, sticks, and paper. Your carefully chosen educational or trendy toys will probably be played with for five minutes and then carefully put back in the toy box. Most psychologists agree that parents should separate a child’s rights from a child’s rewards. After you provide the basics, teach your child that rewards and privileges must be earned.

Our son was still quite young, eleven months, when he was first placed with us. Being so young, it did not take long for him to adjust to life in our household. We are thankful he was not yet able to walk, as this provided much opportunity for us to hold him and carry him in our arms. If your adopted child is a toddler or older child, it may take longer for her to develop a bond with you, her adoptive parents.

Your child has likely been eating the cheapest food available with little variety and no second helpings. Each child responds to this situation differently. They may eat the crumbs off the floor and hoard food. At home, your refrigerator and pantry will become a source of wonder and pride. Your son may eat twice as much as you do, creating worries about obesity. Such concerns are usually unfounded. Let your daughter overeat for several months. You can control the calories by carefully shopping for meals and snacks. Children are no different than adults when it comes to seeing food as a comforter. Since their emotional needs have not been met, food soothes the soul, as well as the stomach. As children become more secure, food will lose its importance. Other children may eat very little and be suspicious of new foods. Introduce new foods a tablespoon at a time. Don't worry or fuss about it. In a few months, things will change. Concentrate on meal time as a happy family time. Turn off the TV and get to know your daughter. Struggles over food can hurt your relationship.

Many parents also report incidents of bedwetting. If you discover your child is a bedwetter (nocturnal enuresis), do not despair. Most Third World children are beaten for this problem, thus they will probably try to hide the evidence. Help is available as soon as you get home in the form of behavior modification, bed alarms available from Sears, or large size disposable diapers for nighttime for a while. See a doctor; the condition often responds to treatment within a few weeks.

Normal attachment develops during a child's first two years of life and takes a couple of years of cycling through mutually positive interactions. Your child must learn that he is loved, and can love in return. We parents give love, and learn that our child loves us. Your son learns to trust that his needs will be met in a consistent and nurturing manner, and that he "belongs" to his family. Positive interaction. Trust. Claiming. Reciprocity (the mutual meeting of needs, give and take). These must be consistently present for an extended period of time for healthy, secure attachment to take place. It is through these elements that your daughter learns how to love and how to accept love.

Older adopted children need time to make adjustments to their new surroundings. They need to become familiar with their parents, friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers and others with whom they will have repeated contact. They need to learn the ins and outs of their new household routines and adapt to living in a new physical environment. Some Thai children have cultural or language hurdles to overcome. Until most of these tasks have been accomplished, they may not be able to relax enough to allow the work of attachment to begin. In the meantime, behavioral problems related to insecurity and lack of attachment, as well as to other events in your child's past, may start to surface. Some start to get labels like, "manipulative," "superficial," or "sneaky." Sooner or later you may decide that your son is all "take" and no "give." He "gives" only when it is to his own benefit. He can seem to be very selfish and controlling. On the inside, she is filled with anxiety. She has not developed the self-esteem that comes with feeling she's a valued, contributing member of your family. She cares little about pleasing others, since her relationship with them is quite superficial.

A good friend of ours once told us before we adopted our son. "Don't believe all of the hallmark adoption stories of cute cuddly babies growing up into perfect teenagers." She spoke from the experience of dealing with her own son who struggled with the loss of his birth mother as a teenager. Relationships in adoptive families must be worked at just like any other families. Special people make up an adoptive family.

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